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I Wish You Were Here!

It was right after the day, Varad left for Reading on a three-month long onsite client assignment. The family had celebrated Ganesh Chaturthi together before he departed and the feeling of joy and festivity still lingered in the house. But amidst all the chaos, Jharana could sense it clearly. How could she have ignored the visible signs? She had her doubts about it for a week and this morning it became very clear. She was too nervous to find out. She could hardly believe it was happening to her. “I have to be careful”, were the first thoughts that came across her mind. She sat there for 20 minutes, before slowly picking herself, she walked towards the bathroom. The dipstick had changed its color confirming her doubts. She looked at herself in the mirror, a sense of joy and excitement sweeped within her. Tears of happiness trickled down her face, as she couldn’t contain her new-found joy. “Diiidddii”,  she heared her Bai screaming, “tumcha sathi phone ahes” (there’s a call for you).

Jharana walked slowly towards the living room, she saw Aayi (her mother-in-law) chatting with her mother on the phone. “You seem to be very happy today”, her mother teased her and she smiled. After the phone conversation, Jharana asked Aayi to go with her to Dr. Gaikwad’s Clinic  for a routine ultra-sound check-up.

The clinic was a 10 minute walk from their Prabha Devi residence. Jharana had already taken an appointment before leaving. The front desk assistant asked her to fill the new patient and medical history forms. She patiently waited for her turn. Dr. Gaikwad’s assistant ushered both inside and prepared Jharana for the sonography. Dr. Gaikwad, a man in his fifties came in. He smiled at Jharana and said “Hi! How you doing today”,  and she replied back smiling shyly “I’m doing fine, thank you”. “And who has come along with you”,  he asked turning towards Aayi. “My mother-in-law”, she replied back. “So I see you are here for your routine check up”, “let’s get going”, Dr. Gaikwad said preaparing to go ahead with the test. Jharana’s body tensed up and her heart silently praying everything to be okay as she felt the cold gel on her abdomen. She could hear the clock ticking. “I see something here and its 8cm in diameter” – Dr. Gaikwad remarked pressing the transducer on her abdomen and inching towards the monitor. Aayi got up and closed up near the screen. “Looks like someone is definitely pregnant” he said smilingly. She heaved a sigh of relief and finally started breathing. Aayi kept staring at the monitor. The doctor congratulated her and started explaining the images the sound waves made, “Bagaa, ethe ……..” (Look here).

Jharana was into her 6th week of the nine months journey. She and Aayi couldn’t stop crying, “you wil be blessed with a Ganesh” was all Aayi could manage to say in between wiping her tears. She was due for the second check up on her 8th week to hear the first heart beat. Aayi dialed Varad’s UK number and congratulated him on the “good news”. Jharana and Varad couldn’t hide their happiness.

Jharana’s emotion’s heightened, within two weeks. She and Aayi found a new definition to their relationship. They enjoyed their times discussing her three pregnancies, her feelings during those days, her cravings, her fears, her joys, bringing up kids and many more motherhood experiences. Jharana was enjoying her life’s new turn and was looking forward to her new role.

“Jhaleka ga”, (Are you ready?) Aayi said checking on Jharana. “Ho Aayi, aali” (yes, I’m coming). She adjusted her duppatta, checked her bindi and slipped her feet into the matching chappals. This time they decided to take a taxi. The clinic did not have much patients and the staff was preparing to close in an hour. Dr. Gaikwad walked towards them and said “How’s the Aaji doing?” (How’s the grand mom doing?) teasing Aayi. “Excited to hear my grandchild”- she replied back without any hesitation. Jharana prepared for the test. As Dr. Gaikwad started applying the gel on her abdomen, her body tensed up again and her heart started praying. She closed her eyes when the transducer started moving. She could hear the clock ticking, ticking and ticking…..she became nervous, this was taking unusually long, she opened her eyes. Dr. Gaikwad’s expression had changed, his face had become still. “I want to do this again, the sound waves and images don’t make sense” – was all he said after 5 mins. “Is everything, okay? – Jharana questioned. “I can’t find the fetus” – he replied back without taking his eyes off from the monitor. Her heart sank, her body turned numb, she couldn’t breath, “no there’s a mistake here” was all she could think off. Dr. Gaikwad started the procedure again, this time he moved the transducer with more precision,after three minutes, Jharana couldn’t stop herself “Do you see anything now?”, “I do”, he replied back, “the size of the fetus has shrunk” – he gave out. Jharana went blank, she didn’t follow Dr, Gaikwad. “I fear a missed abortion – he said without looking at Jharana, “and I advice a D&C”. He was finding it difficult to convey it to her.

Jharana felt amputed. She felt a part of her body has body taken away, she could hear Dr. Gaikwad’s voice but was having difficulty concentrating. Her only thoughts were “this can’t be true, this cannot be happening to me”. She was fighting within to accept it and she was far from acceptance. She was in a state of shock and denial. There was a sudden sense of loss, anger and guilt. She felt as if she lost the purpose of her existence. As she lay on the sonography table with a roller coaster of emotions surging within her, all her thoughts centred around ” I wish I could hold you first on the day you were born. I  wish I could read bedtime stories and watch you sleep. I wish I could celebrate your birthdays. I wish I could attend the PTA meets. I wish I could see you graduate from college. I wish I could see you sailing through life. I wish I could see your wedding. I wish I could spoil your kids. I wish our lives were changed forever because of you. I wish you were here.


About ANK

Cultivating the art of ‘intelligent’ listening, sifting the grain from the chaff, counseling, negotiating and writing/drafting is what I do for a living. Sharing a smile, standing up for loved ones, fighting for the right cause and living life to the fullest is what I'm doing this LIFE!.


22 thoughts on “I Wish You Were Here!

  1. very well said and written!!!

    Posted by Kellylinh.phan@gmail.com | October 24, 2011, 6:10 PM
  2. Wow! So beautifully written. You have expressed the bitterness in a very refined manner. Though the end was sad, I believe that better things are always in store. I simply liked it.


    Posted by Harsha | July 24, 2011, 12:15 PM
  3. I could feel Jharn’a pain – how beautifully you’ve have described it.

    Posted by Purbaray | July 7, 2011, 9:55 PM
  4. Ank,
    wish you the best of words in your stories. look forward to perspectives on migration and culture.

    Posted by Kartikey | June 30, 2011, 2:11 PM
  5. Little too sad for my liking.
    Nevertheless enjoyed reading it.
    Good post.

    Posted by Sairam | June 30, 2011, 9:40 AM
  6. It’s funny that life throws up so many questions from time to time,and seekng answers just leads to more questions.So I guess the buzz word is to move on.The best option.
    This is a poignant story.The emotions are well captured,and the dilema well articulated.loved reading a quality story in the blog world of late.Good job.

    Posted by Gyanban | June 29, 2011, 7:43 PM
  7. Really nice piece of writing. The sonography test part reminded me of Jennifer Aniston’s role in “Marley and Me”.. It was a similar situation there. Keep writing!


    Posted by RuThLeSs | June 29, 2011, 2:08 AM
  8. You definitely took the readers on a flight of imagination with happiness and ended the episode on a sad note….I hope you would like to prepare the next part of the story with a happy ending…for the sake of your readers 🙂

    Posted by hemantarora44 | June 28, 2011, 12:49 PM
    • Thank you Hemant for the appreciation. Honestly I haven’t thought of a sequel though if I do I’ll keep the “happy ending” in mind. Keep visiting here I’ll feel happy to read your comments.

      Posted by ANK | June 28, 2011, 3:44 PM
  9. Aaaahhh…heart wrenching… sad yaar Annu… felt really bad in the end 🙂

    Good writing skills u have here Annu..really takes one through the roller coaster of happiness n then sadness 🙂


    Posted by R-A-J | June 28, 2011, 12:04 PM
    • Thanks Raj! Isn’t that what life is all about. Zindagi Ki Yehi Reet Hai, Haar Ke Baad Hi Jeet Hai, Thode Aansu Hai, Thodi Hasi, Aaj Gham Hai To Kal Hai Khushi (Mr. India 1987)

      Posted by ANK | June 28, 2011, 12:15 PM
  10. Very Moving ……

    Posted by Neha Khot | June 28, 2011, 6:25 AM
  11. speechless and numb….

    y the good ones suffer,… really GOD MOVES IN A MYSTERIOUS WAY, and we could not judge…

    Posted by bhargav | June 28, 2011, 1:31 AM

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